I am a fool for you. I do not deserve you, and yet I want you to have what you do not deserve- me. I cannot know you, and yet I set this mind to study the subtlest of dreams- you. It is futile to pray for these things. What became of Phaeton when he took his father’s reigns? He perished, and almost destroyed the world in the process. Would I destroy the world to show you, who are not of the world, how we are related? Would you love me more?

But if I could know you, I would not study you.

If I could have you, I would not want you.

In this, the Truth is made evident:

What is had by flesh is flesh,

and what is known to the world, belongs to the world.

And the flesh must die,

and the world must burn,

and then where would we be?

It is futile to pray for these things. Yet, my heart will not allow me to forget. I was a bachelor, I was lonely and absorbed in some academic thoughts. I was lost in thoughts, worldly thoughts, wise thoughts. I was sitting in the dirt, in the shade of a tree, counting the syllables of a meter, and I had the urge to look up. I saw you there, watching me. Such a sweet smile, and a gentle gaze. You there, loving me before I loved you, and you caught me by surprise. And I lowered my eyes, bashfully, and stared into the dust near my knees.

And when my wits returned, I looked up again, and you were gone. I scanned the landscape, and could not see you. I searched the road, and no trace was fresh. I cupped my ears, and found an empty breeze. And if I could have been at peace- and you could have been a dream- I would suddenly catch your scent, and it was you, the aroma of your smile. And I would taste your words, and it was you, the eloquence of your lips. And if it was a dream, I would yearn to lose my mind to it.

If only I could see! You would be here, standing in front of me.

If only I could hear! You would be singing a hymn to my heart.

And I would embrace you with my gladness as you embraced me with your mystery. But then again, what can I have as I am? I am of the world. I am flesh. I am known. I am had.

And the flesh must die,

and the world must burn,

and then what would I be?

Prepare me! Rid me of this transiency! Shake me of this body! I want to be ready for you to brush against my heart, for us to be made one, like husband and wife, like lover and loved. Make me whole in you! Make me deserved in you! Make two into one, and flesh into Spirit, and death into Life. Let me destroy the world to show you, who are not of the world, how we are related. Let me love you ever more.

Curse these things that separate:

the veil of the world,

the cage of the flesh,

the consuming flames of time.

In this, the Truth is made evident:

Phaeton did not miscalculate,

he flung himself into the chariot,

he grasped the reigns,

he knew how things would end.

And I envy the tree, that tree, which had a better look at things than me. Me, who stared stupidly at the dust on my knees. What use were all my wise thoughts if they could not hold onto your gentle gaze?


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